Quit

Ever been in a marathon or a long run wanting to quit mid-way? I ain't a quitter but the thought of stopping what I have been doing has been ringing in my head like an alarm clock - loud and annoying. I went to Bridge last night and had a wonderful time praying. I was immensely touched by His love as we held hand in prayers. Tonight I went to E Square and we talked about repentance. I love how people interact with each other and the atmosphere was filled with joy.

I don't understand. I am just confused. Why is it that no one would have time for Wave? Was it the right decision to have tonight off because no one could or wanted to go to the conference in Irvine? I'm probably not suitable to be leading a home group if people don't even feel "at home" when we gather, right? Or could it be me? I probably should care for more people and make more phone calls. This is my fourth year at UCSD, and it's not until now that I really feel that it sucks. It really does. I cannot even care for people face to face and hang out with them, and they expect to show up at "my" house on the most eventful night of the week? I don't think so. I hate being not able to play badminton three times a week anymore because I'm stuck in San Diego. I hate not being able to spend time with my family and friends because I have to be in SD. Weekends are not really weekends. There's not enough time on the weekends to see people. Wave, sometimes workshops, and Sunday service takes away the entire day. Then, for the 90th time, I head back to San Diego. At least someone's with me to keep me company.

School has been just okay but I think I have never felt such a dislike toward school academics. I don't know why. Right now my head feels like exploding and my heart feels like to rest a bit. My spirit is so willing to come to Jesus. Lord, make me more like You, Jesus. This is the feeling I had back in February when first started a long break from any ministry-related work. I just want to drive my head into a wall. I want to change. I desire a breakthrough. And I seek You, Jesus, because I KNOW Your strength is made perfect when I am weak and Your grace is abundant.

I am not a failure. I am Your Son. Come and wash over me and make me white as snow. Save me from falling. I want more of You in my life. Help me here, Lord. I can't, but You can.

Johnny