I wrote this yesterday on my post:
This past Saturday during our cell group dinner, I was reading my friend's facebook note describing an encounter she had with Jesus. I couldn't finish the note because even though I was so gripped by Jesus at that moment and my entire being was having a breakdown because of her words and God's love, but I was having dinner and didn't want to make a scene. I will share more about what I received after reading that note on another post because as of now, I still cannot use my words to describe this intense feeling when I read the note over and over.
I'm going to post my friend's note here (with permission and some proof-reading, of course, but you'll see that it really does not need more proof-reading.). And I shall start to unravel (man I finally use some cool words on this blog) all the mixed emotions and feelings that has been coming to me like waves. I'll try my best to do so.
Get ready to be blown away by this beautifully written piece of "Word Painting".
Encounter
A few days ago, I felt the pride beginning to swell up in my heart again. I could see the self-inflation, the inward focus and subtle obsession with perfection born from a deeper insecurity. I have come to recognize it, but I have also come to hate it along with the self-sufficient attitude it brings. And in the process, I begin to hate myself for my involvement with it. It is not what I want, but the sicker side of my humanity persists in entertaining the darkness. Its visits have become fewer and further between, thanks to power of God in my life, but still, I am locked in a mortal shell for however long I live in this world, journeying between earth and heaven, between brokenness and perfection. As Blaise Pascal once wrote, "Vanity is so anchored in the heart of man that... those who write against it want to have the glory of having written well; and those who read it desire the glory of having read it."
So I pray. I pray for humility. I pray God would do whatever it takes to keep me on my face before Him. The thoughts crossing my mind sicken me. How audacious to think that I could do anything to deserve His favor or His goodness to me! I plead for mercy and I am worried at my apathy toward the whole thing, for I know this should bother me much more than it does. I am disgusted by my lack of disgust. But all I can do is pray for humility. Pray for a broken and contrite heart.
This is a familiar prayer, one I have prayed many times before. And in the past, God has indeed humbled me. I was humbled by humiliation, which proved to be painful, yet effective. It seems that God, who is merciful in all His judgments, deemed it to be the most effective and loving discipline at the time. So that is what I expected this time. I deserved it, and I knew it.
But today, as I walked into my room, my ipod on shuffle sitting on the window sill, I was arrested by what I saw. My window was barely open, but it was just enough to make my curtains dance and come alive in the breath of the wind. "There has never been a greater love than Your Son... No, not one." As I began to worship with Christy Nockels singing through my speakers (oh the wonders of technology...), I turned my attention to the world outside.
Well, my heart saw and knew, but my eyes were too frail to behold the beauty of it. I tried once to open my eyes, but couldn't. I was overcome. Overwhelmed. The sweetness of the mercy rushing over me was too much for my heart to hold. It broke, not with despair, but with the joy of knowing that I was encountering majesty. That I was forgiven. My prayers were being answered, but not with the hard hand of judgment, but rather with the gentle touch of mercy. I felt the weight of the glory and had to sit, because my legs suddenly weren't strong enough to hold me up. When I was able to stand again, I began to drink in the beauty of what I saw outside my chamber of encounter. The wind still whispered through the crack in the window, and it was all so glorious that I couldn't endure the thought that all that separated me from it was a pane of glass and a wire screen. I felt compelled to come closer, to be caught up in it. So I took the screen off, spread a towel out on the roof, climbed out with my journal and began to write.
"Oh how beautiful You are! My heart overflows to You! You have filled me up time and time again! I am incredulous, amazed, speechless at Your infinite mercy, the tender grace and unshakeable love that has come upon me. How can I stand in the presence of such majesty? You have humbled me, not by striking me down as I expected or as my sins deserved, but by flooding me with Your love in such abundance that I am too overwhelmed to speak, much less think I could ever deserve such pleasure."
As I sat there, He continued to ravish my heart. The clouds were layered and thick with slate gray and silver blue. They hung low and close, coming near to the ground so as to soften the drop of each liquid diamond gently laid to rest in the earth. The sun broke through to my left, illuminating the soft crystals still suspended in flight. I could see them all clearly, millions and millions of drops, descending like so many promises of hope and grace to a thirsty land: this dry dirt that has been ravaged by drought and doubt, this desert of desire. But mercy was now falling. The clouds were moving quickly now. Time is also accelerating, I realized. The end is near. The journey is almost over. We are closer than ever. Close enough to heaven to know we are so far from home. The wait short enough to make the longing unbearable. The moment sweet enough to know that we were made to enjoy it forever.
But as the sun suddenly receded, I knew there was work to be done. There is a great battle coming. I can feel the tension growing. Nation will rise against nation. There will be great conflict and pain. But there is also great hope and great victory, for we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but those who believe and are saved. And I am sustained by this glimpse of glory, this encounter with ecstasy and pleasure; this vision of beauty, mercy and grace.
Oh Lord! Never let me forget. Let Your nearness go with me. Then I know I can carry on. I can have the faith to move mountains. I can have the grace to forgive murderers. I can have the trust to take you at Your word. I can have the hope to keep longing...
If only You are with me.
So I pray. I pray for humility. I pray God would do whatever it takes to keep me on my face before Him. The thoughts crossing my mind sicken me. How audacious to think that I could do anything to deserve His favor or His goodness to me! I plead for mercy and I am worried at my apathy toward the whole thing, for I know this should bother me much more than it does. I am disgusted by my lack of disgust. But all I can do is pray for humility. Pray for a broken and contrite heart.
This is a familiar prayer, one I have prayed many times before. And in the past, God has indeed humbled me. I was humbled by humiliation, which proved to be painful, yet effective. It seems that God, who is merciful in all His judgments, deemed it to be the most effective and loving discipline at the time. So that is what I expected this time. I deserved it, and I knew it.
But today, as I walked into my room, my ipod on shuffle sitting on the window sill, I was arrested by what I saw. My window was barely open, but it was just enough to make my curtains dance and come alive in the breath of the wind. "There has never been a greater love than Your Son... No, not one." As I began to worship with Christy Nockels singing through my speakers (oh the wonders of technology...), I turned my attention to the world outside.
And it was then that I saw Him.
Well, my heart saw and knew, but my eyes were too frail to behold the beauty of it. I tried once to open my eyes, but couldn't. I was overcome. Overwhelmed. The sweetness of the mercy rushing over me was too much for my heart to hold. It broke, not with despair, but with the joy of knowing that I was encountering majesty. That I was forgiven. My prayers were being answered, but not with the hard hand of judgment, but rather with the gentle touch of mercy. I felt the weight of the glory and had to sit, because my legs suddenly weren't strong enough to hold me up. When I was able to stand again, I began to drink in the beauty of what I saw outside my chamber of encounter. The wind still whispered through the crack in the window, and it was all so glorious that I couldn't endure the thought that all that separated me from it was a pane of glass and a wire screen. I felt compelled to come closer, to be caught up in it. So I took the screen off, spread a towel out on the roof, climbed out with my journal and began to write.
"Oh how beautiful You are! My heart overflows to You! You have filled me up time and time again! I am incredulous, amazed, speechless at Your infinite mercy, the tender grace and unshakeable love that has come upon me. How can I stand in the presence of such majesty? You have humbled me, not by striking me down as I expected or as my sins deserved, but by flooding me with Your love in such abundance that I am too overwhelmed to speak, much less think I could ever deserve such pleasure."
As I sat there, He continued to ravish my heart. The clouds were layered and thick with slate gray and silver blue. They hung low and close, coming near to the ground so as to soften the drop of each liquid diamond gently laid to rest in the earth. The sun broke through to my left, illuminating the soft crystals still suspended in flight. I could see them all clearly, millions and millions of drops, descending like so many promises of hope and grace to a thirsty land: this dry dirt that has been ravaged by drought and doubt, this desert of desire. But mercy was now falling. The clouds were moving quickly now. Time is also accelerating, I realized. The end is near. The journey is almost over. We are closer than ever. Close enough to heaven to know we are so far from home. The wait short enough to make the longing unbearable. The moment sweet enough to know that we were made to enjoy it forever.
But as the sun suddenly receded, I knew there was work to be done. There is a great battle coming. I can feel the tension growing. Nation will rise against nation. There will be great conflict and pain. But there is also great hope and great victory, for we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but those who believe and are saved. And I am sustained by this glimpse of glory, this encounter with ecstasy and pleasure; this vision of beauty, mercy and grace.
Oh Lord! Never let me forget. Let Your nearness go with me. Then I know I can carry on. I can have the faith to move mountains. I can have the grace to forgive murderers. I can have the trust to take you at Your word. I can have the hope to keep longing...
If only You are with me.
Jesus was, is, and will be the most beautiful person I've ever encountered. And I've said this so many times, but I'm going to say this again: Why would I settle for second best when I know that the best has been waiting for me since the beginning of time? This time, I want to go deeper with You. I now simply cannot afford to trade leading worship for Your intimate presence in my secret place. I see it so clearly now.
Time and time again You come to me, draw me near, and invite me into a deeper revelation and understanding of who You are, Jesus. My history is made in the secret place with You. I wouldn't trade ANYTHING with Your sweet embrace and Your holy fear, not even seeing the dead raise. I've made up my mind. I need LOVE.
This feeling that have consumes me. Maybe this zealous love that starts to ignite that deepest desire for Him is taking over my emotions, my actions, my desires. I want to be like Mary who just wastes her life at the feet of Jesus.
Jesus, I'd trade everything for Your love, but I won't trade Your love for anything.
I hope this sums up what has been unspeakable passionate feelings during the past couple days and the reflection/conviction after reading my friend's note.
Johnny
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